by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
The other day, I was talking with a client who is choosing a name for her new business. I was stressing the importance of name choice and it got me thinking about names in general.
Not just business names. First names. Middle names. Last names. Nicknames.
And also, what I call love names. Which I guess are terms of endearment.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that names are fascinating. They are often the first gift we receive, and for most of us, they stay with us for a lifetime.
The Names We Are Given
If you’ve ever looked through a dictionary of names, you know that most names have a meaning.
My name, Stacy, means “one who will rise again.”
Have you ever looked up the meaning of your own name?
Do you know where it originated?
Do you like it?
I’ve never been completely fond of my own names.
My maiden name was often mispronounced and occasionally became the butt of jokes when I was a child. My married name doesn’t carry much personal meaning for me either, although I do love sharing it with my sons. That connection matters.
Yet despite my mixed feelings about my names, I’ve always been intrigued by how much importance they carry.
The Names We Imagine
Recently, I found myself wondering what it would be like to be called Anastasia Bartelucci.
I have absolutely no Italian heritage, but I have always felt drawn to Italy.
I liked the sound of that name.
Not enough to make any legal changes, but enough to get me thinking, and smiling.
Why do some names appeal to us?
Why do some seem elegant, adventurous, creative, sophisticated, or memorable?
As a young teenager at camp, there were two girls I thought were impossibly beautiful and cool: Sue Slattery and Cindy Clausen.
I still remember their names all these years later.
Was it because of the girls themselves? The names?
Or the way those names seemed to fit them so perfectly?
Names can feel almost magical that way.
The Courage to Choose a New Name
Over the years, I have known at least three people who changed their names.
One was a survivor of abuse.
The other two were spiritual seekers.
In each case, I admired their courage.
Most of us simply continue with the names we were given, but changing a name is a bold act. It is a way of saying,
“This is who I am now.”
For some people, a new name marks healing, growth. or a version that feels more authentic.
There is something powerful about choosing your own identity.
In fact, I briefly experimented with the idea myself.
While visiting Damanhur in Italy and touring the Temples of Humankind, I learned that community members choose both an animal name and a plant name as part of their identity.
After some reflection, I decided I would be Buffalo Blueberry.
Why Buffalo Blueberry?
It simply felt right.
Strong and grounded on one hand. Sweet and resilient on the other.
While I did not update my passport, I do feel a resonance with that.
Stacy, Not Stacey
There is one thing I know for certain: If you put an “e” in my name, I will notice.
Stacy. Not Stacey.
The “e” has no business being there.
It’s one of my pet peeves over the years, especially when someone is replying to an email where my name is spelled correctly right in front of them.
While I have never been completely attached to my name, I still want it spelled correctly.
Funny how that works.
I suspect most people feel the same way.
Whether it’s a misspelled first name, a mispronounced surname, or a nickname they never liked, most people want their names handled with care.
We don’t have to love our names to want them treated with respect.
Taking the time to spell someone’s name correctly is one of the simplest ways of saying:
“I see you.”
A Name Is Personal
Relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin teaches that our closest relationships should create a sense of safety and security. His work has made me think differently about names and how we use them.
For example, many of us grew up hearing our names shouted from another room.
Often it meant we were in trouble.
Interestingly, that wasn’t my experience.
My mother was a gentle person. I don’t remember her ever yelling, “Stacy Ann Howe!” across the house. If she was unhappy with something I’d done, she was much more likely to say, “Shame on you.”
The phrase wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t attached to my name.
On the other hand, my best friend had a very different experience.
I can still hear her mother calling out:”Lynn Marie Allison!” when we were 5 years old.
In fact, that’s probably how I learned my friend’s middle name.
Children become quite familiar with one another’s full names when someone is getting into trouble.
Even today, many parents probably don’t realize how often a child’s name becomes associated with correction, frustration, or anger.
My wish isn’t to make parents feel guilty. Parenting is hard.
My wish is simply to raise awareness.
A name is one of the most personal things we possess.
Perhaps we can use it thoughtfully, and consciously walk over to our children (or our partner) before speaking to them.
And we can save their names for moments of connection rather than moments of anger whenever possible.
A name spoken warmly says:
“I see you.”
“I know you.”
“You matter.”
The same name can land very differently depending on how it is spoken.
Perhaps our names deserve a little more tenderness than they sometimes receive.
Love Names
What interests me even more than official names are nicknames.
Or what I prefer to call love names.
Growing up, I didn’t have many nicknames. There were a few. My cousins called me “Taits”. My friend’s brother called me “Staceface”.
Later in life, my former husband invented a name or two for me. He was good at making up nicknames. We had countless nicknames and love names for our sons too.
Special love names rarely make sense to anyone outside the family.
That isn’t the point.
They are little expressions of affection.
Private language.
Shared history.
My former mother-in-law, rest her soul, used to say that a person with many nicknames is well loved.
Perhaps that’s true.
I do think nicknames often emerge from closeness.
They develop when people feel safe, and spend enough time together to create a language of their own.
Every love name contains a story.
Every love name says,
“You’re special to me.”
More Than a Label
The longer I live, the more I realize that a name is never just a label.
It carries identity.
History.
Family.
Memories.
Meaning.
Possibility.
Sometimes a name reminds us where we’ve come from.
Maybe it reflects who we’ve become.
Or perhaps it even points toward who we’re still becoming.
Names are tiny containers holding entire stories.
The Sweetest Names
My official name appears on my driver’s license, passport, tax return, and countless pieces of paperwork.
But the sweetest names I’ve ever been called have never appeared on any official document.
They were the names given to me by people who loved me.
Maybe that’s why names matter so much.
Not because of what they say about us.
But because of what they reveal about our connection to one another.
A name may be the first gift we receive, but how people use that name may be the greater gift.
Spoken kindly.
Remembered accurately.
Or transformed into a beloved love name.
Our names become reminders that we matter.
And perhaps that is what most of us are really looking for.
Not a different name.
Simply to be seen, known, and cherished.
Questions for Reflection
- Do you know the meaning of your first name?
- Have you ever wished you had a different name?
- Have you ever considered changing your name?
- Were you given a nickname as a child?
- Is there a love name that still makes you smile?
- What is the most meaningful thing someone has ever called you?
