by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
In my last blog, I introduced the idea of attachment styles and how our ultimate goal is to become as securely attached as possible. Secure attachment supports our mental health, happiness, and sense of well-being in all our relationships, whether with friends, family members, romantic partners, co-workers, and yes, even our beloved pets.
When we are securely attached, we can move in and out of connection with ease and confidence. We care about others, but not excessively. We can enjoy closeness without losing ourselves, and we can tolerate distance without feeling abandoned. We are able to trust both ourselves and the people we care about.
Secure attachment does not mean we never feel hurt, anxious, disappointed, or withdrawn. It simply means we recover more quickly and return to connection more easily.
Today, I want to offer two simple communication tools that can help us move toward that secure place.
But first, we need to talk about stories.
The Stories We Create
Every one of us walks through life creating stories about what other people mean, think, feel, or intend. These stories form automatically and often without our awareness.
The challenge is that most of them aren’t true. That means they can potentially harm more than they help.
Our minds are natural storytellers. Sometimes those stories protect us, and sometimes they limit us. Learning to notice them without automatically believing them is an important part of healing.
These stories are interpretations. Guesses. Conclusions drawn from limited information. Yet once we create them, we tend to cling to them as if they were facts.
We do this because stories help us make sense of uncertainty. The problem is that they can also create unnecessary hurt, misunderstanding, and distance.
We don’t react to what actually happened. We react to the story we made up about what happened.
For example:
- “She didn’t text me back. She must be upset with me.”
- “He’s unusually quiet today. He must not care.”
- “They didn’t invite me. I obviously don’t matter.”
- “She’s distracted. She’s bored with me.”
- “He disagreed with me. He must think I’m wrong.”
Notice that none of these are facts. They are simply stories.
Avoidant Stories and Anxious Stories
People with avoidant tendencies often create stories that justify distance or withdrawal:
- “They’re upset. I should pull back.”
- “If I bring this up, it will create drama.”
- “I’ll just handle this myself.”
- “They probably don’t really care anyway.”
- “This feels too intense.”
People with anxious tendencies often create stories that amplify fear or disconnection:
- “They didn’t respond because they’re losing interest.”
- “I must have done something wrong.”
- “I’m not important to them.”
- “They’re pulling away.”
Avoidant people tend to fear closeness.
Anxious people tend to fear distance.
Yet both are often responding to stories rather than confirmed reality.
The good news is that we can learn to check out our stories before believing them.
That’s where these communication tools come in.
Before Using These Tools
One important note: these tools work best when we are relatively calm, grounded, and not highly reactive.
If we’re flooded with anger, fear, or hurt, it’s usually better to pause, take a walk, breathe, journal, meditate, or simply give ourselves some time first.
These tools are designed for connection, not correction, and certainly not perfection.
I appreciate both of these practices because they give us a simple structure to follow. They are short, sweet, and surprisingly powerful.
Over time, they can help us become people who feel safe to be around: people who are curious rather than reactive, open rather than defensive, and trustworthy when misunderstandings arise. And isn’t that the kind of person most of us hope to be in our relationships?
Tool #1: Terry Real’s Feedback Wheel
This tool is especially helpful for our closest relationships: romantic partners, children, family members, and others with whom we share deeper emotional intimacy.
The Feedback Wheel invites us to communicate honestly while remaining connected, and ideas for change.
- What I saw or heard
- What I made up about it
- How I felt
- What I would like going forward
For example:
“When you were looking at your phone while I was talking, I made up that what I was saying wasn’t important to you. I felt hurt and disconnected. In the future, I’d appreciate eye contact when we’re having an important conversation.”
The beauty of the Feedback Wheel is that it helps us stick to the facts and own our interpretations rather than presenting them as truth. It can be incredibly helpful for deeper, more intimate conversations.
What it doesn’t do is actively invite feedback from the other person. Sometimes that’s perfectly appropriate. Other times, there is real value in getting curious about whether our story is accurate in the first place.
That’s one of the reasons I love the second tool. It opens the door to dialogue. Instead of assuming, we ask. Instead of defending our story, we become curious about what is actually true.
Tool #2: The Conscious Leadership Group’s Micro-Feedback Tool
This is the communication tool I personally use most often with friends, family members, and even in workplace or more casual situations
Because so much communication now happens through text messages and emails, I’ve found this tool works beautifully in written conversations.
It’s simple:
What I notice…
The story I’m making up is…
Is that accurate?
For example:
“Hey, I noticed I haven’t heard back from you in a few days. The story I’m making up is that I somehow upset you. Is that accurate?”
Notice how much gentler this feels than:
“Why are you ignoring me?”
One approach creates defensiveness. The other creates curiosity and connection.
Putting It Into Practice
This week, try one of these tools with someone you care about.
Start small.
Notice the stories you’re creating. Notice how quickly your mind fills in the blanks. And then, instead of assuming, get curious.
You may discover that the story wasn’t true at all.
And even when it contains a grain of truth, you’ll likely find that people respond much better to curiosity than accusation.
Openheartedness isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about becoming a little more aware, a little more courageous, and a little more willing to stay connected.
One conversation at a time.
A Meditation to Support Secure Attachment
Learning communication tools is helpful, but secure attachment is not just something we think about. It’s also something we practice feeling in our bodies.
If you’d like a gentle way to support that process, I highly recommend this 15-minute meditation from Wake Me Up:
Secure Attachment Style Affirmations | Heal Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Style
The affirmations gently help soften anxious patterns, ease avoidant tendencies, and cultivate the grounded, secure way of relating that most of us are ultimately seeking. It’s another way to reinforce secure attachment on a daily basis.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts.
If something resonated with you, feel free to reply to this email or leave a comment on my website.
I’m curious: What helps you clear the air when a misunderstanding arises? How do you let go of the stories your mind creates and return to connection?
Share your thoughts in the comments. You never know when something that has helped you might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.