Symbiosis — Part 2: The Two Sides of Emotional Symbiosis — and What Becomes Possible Beyond It
by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
In my last post, I introduced the concept of Emotional Symbiosis — how we often assume we think the same, feel the same, or see the world the same way. That sameness can feel comforting, even protective.
I also mentioned its healthy counterpart: Differentiation — the ability for two people to stay connected while remaining two separate selves. Differentiation is what allows real intimacy to grow. It gives each person room to have their own thoughts, feelings, preferences, and truth.
And this concept matters more than ever right now, especially with the political divides so many of us are navigating. Can I sit with you and hear your reality? Can I allow you to have your perspective without trying to change it or fix it? These questions are at the heart of differentiation — and they are becoming essential skills for staying human with one another.
One way we become symbiotic is by wanting others to be like us.
Today, I want to show the other side — the quieter one — where we let go of ourselves in order to stay connected and safe.
The Two Movements of Emotional Symbiosis
Emotional Symbiosis often moves in two directions, almost like a seesaw.
The pulling side: “You need to be just like me.”
Sameness feels like safety. We want the other person to think or react the way we do. If they don’t, it can feel like distance.
The collapsing side: “I need to be just like you.”
Here, we shrink a little to keep the peace. We soften our preferences, match the other person’s mood, or try not to disappoint. It can feel easier to disappear a bit than to risk conflict or separation.
Both movements come from the same early longing: to stay connected without losing the relationship.
And both are the opposite of Differentiation.
A Real Moment That Revealed the Pattern
Right now, we have war in the news. War is one of the most frightening realities we face as humans, and most of us experience it from a distance — helpless, heartsick, unsure what to do with the feelings that arise.
The other day, I received and email from a colleague, from the other side of the world, who wanted to follow my blog.
This colleague was quite enthusiastic — which felt wonderful — and then, right under the signature, it said: “at war right now”.
I felt myself sink. I knew this phrase was not directed at me, yet I reacted.
In an instant, my work seemed trivial. How could anything I write matter when someone I know is literally living through a war?
I noticed that collapse immediately — that reflex to diminish myself in the face of someone else’s suffering. And then, gently, I lifted myself back up.
I wrote:
“I am so sorry that your country is at war. I can only imagine that my blogs must feel trivial at a time like this — and yet, what else do we have other than our love and our faith?”
I cannot make this war go away. I wish I could. But collapsing doesn’t help my friend, and it erases me.
It reminded me of a teaching:
I cannot get sick enough to help sick ones get well.
I cannot get poor enough to help poor people become prosperous.
And I cannot find enough confusion to help others be clear.
Emotional Symbiosis asks us to do exactly that — to sink, merge, or diminish ourselves in the hope that it will ease another’s pain. But it never does.
Growing Beyond Symbiosis to Differentiation
This is where Differentiation becomes essential.
Differentiation allows two people to stay connected without collapsing into each other. It makes room for two full inner worlds — yours and mine — to exist side by side.
When we’re no longer pulled to make you “just like me,” or to make myself “just like you,” curiosity returns. We begin to wonder who the other person actually is, what shaped them, what delights them, and why they respond the way they do.
We stop assuming sameness and start discovering difference.
This is where real intimacy begins — not in merging, but in meeting.
A Few Questions to Sit With
As you reflect on your own relationships, you might begin to notice the subtle ways symbiosis shows up.
- When do you find yourself wanting someone to be “just like you”?
- When do you soften or shrink to keep the peace?
- And with whom might you practice the art of differentiation — listening without fixing, staying present without disappearing?
These small experiments are how we grow the muscles of connection and selfhood at the same time.
Excellent article on how to stay connected while holding on to yourself.
SO well written. Thank you and congratulations on this article.
Thank you so much, Damian!