A Practice for Softening Judgment, Seeing Beyond Our Blind Spots, and Choosing Connection
by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
Last week I wrote about how the human journey doesn’t have an end point—no moment where our lessons are complete or our expansion is finished. If that’s true, then the natural next question becomes: What do we focus on as we expand?
One powerful place to begin is with our judgments.
We’re taught early on to divide the world into “good” and “bad.” But nothing is all good or all bad. Therapy approaches, spiritual lineages, especially Buddhism, all point to this. Buddhism teaches us about impermanence, with the old “who knows what’s good or bad?” story, and the Chinese symbol for crisis helps us deal with situations by reminding us that a crisis includes both danger and opportunity. When we loosen our grip on judgment, we open to something larger.
And what might that give us?
Greater health and happiness.
More motivation.
Peace of mind with all life’s ups and downs.
A higher vibration that draws in more of what we want; i.e. the law of attraction.
A sense of connection—with ourselves and with others.
Where Judgment Sneaks In
All people are naturally imperfect and frustrating—yes, even you. It’s hard to see our own blind spots because we understand ourselves (or think we do). But here’s where things get interesting: sometimes we ask for something, and when it finally arrives, we push it away.
A few examples:
- You want an apology. Someone offers it. Instead of receiving it, you poke holes in it because “they’ll just do it again.”
- You want respect. Someone shows respect by asking permission. You dismiss it: “You don’t have to ask, that’s ridiculous.”
- You want your money back. When it finally comes, instead of receiving it gracefully, you huff about how long it took.
In every one of these moments, both the giver and the receiver end up feeling bad. What’s lost is the opportunity to feel connected, appreciative, and peaceful.
Everyday Opportunities to Practice
I notice I have opportunities to practice every single day. It might be something small—a message from a friend or family member that lands as selfish, dismissive, or controlling. My first reaction is often shaped by old patterns, usually from childhood. I can feel the familiar story rising: They don’t care. They just want things their way. I don’t matter.
What stories or judgments do you notice in yourself these days?
This is where the practice lives.
First I notice. Then I pause.
I back up from the context, from my reactivity, from the story I’m telling myself.
And I remind myself of something that is even more true than my story:
This person is a good person. They mean no harm. I love and care about this person. This person cares about me.
When I remember that, something softens. I can stay connected instead of pulling away. I can respond from the present moment rather than from an old wound.
This doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behavior or abandoning boundaries. It simply means giving myself the chance to see the whole picture—not just the part that activates my nervous system.
And every time I do this, I feel more spacious, more grounded, more able to receive the goodness that’s actually there.
The Practice
Step 1: Be open to the possibility that this happens in you.
Not as a flaw—just as part of being human.
Step 2: Notice it.
Catch the micro‑moment where judgment rises or where receiving becomes difficult. Notice the feelings and reactions of annoyance, hurt, defensiveness, etc.
Step 3: Look for the opposite.
Ask yourself: What if this moment is actually an opportunity? What if this is the thing I said I wanted? The form may not be perfect, yet it would be a mistake to dismiss it altogether.
This is where expansion happens—not in perfection, but in the willingness to see differently.
Starting With Ourselves
In CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), we learn to hold both sides of the story:
“I’m a bad person” and “I’m a good person.” “No one cares about me” and “People do care about me.” “The world is a scary place” and “The world is a safe place.”
Both exist. Both are true. Both are human.
The work is learning to believe the second one more often than the first.
When we soften judgment—of ourselves and others—we create space for connection, gratitude, and a steadier kind of peace. And that, in itself, is expansion.
Bringing It Back to the Ongoing Journey
When I remember that there is no final destination—no moment where I become fully healed, fully wise, or fully beyond my patterns—I can meet these daily moments with more compassion. The work isn’t to eliminate judgment forever. The work is simply to notice it, soften around it, and choose connection when connection is possible.
Every time I pause, step back from my story, and remember the goodness in myself and others, I’m practicing expansion. Not the dramatic, life‑changing kind, but the quiet, steady kind that accumulates over time. The kind that builds a better quality of life.
This is how we grow:
Not by striving for perfection,
but by returning—again and again—to what is more true than our old narratives.
Setting the Stage for What Comes Next
Disappointment is part of being human. But the way we meet it matters. When we soften judgment and step back from our stories, we create more space for connection, clarity, and peace. I have several ideas percolating right now about the next layer of this work, so stay tuned — there’s more to explore together.
In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the view.