by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
I became interested in listening styles through my work as an Imago Therapist, helping couples learn to Dialogue. Before that, I didn’t give listening much thought. I knew my mother was a good listener, and I believed I was too. But when I didn’t feel heard by my partner, I wasn’t nearly as diligent about my listening — especially if I was angry or hurt. Then something unexpected happened.
The Day True Curiosity Changed Me
In 2009, my partner and I were sitting on the floor practicing Dialogue at an Imago conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We’d had a rupture, as all couples do. He had listened beautifully — fully in the role of Receiver — and yet I was still angry. When it was my turn to receive him and I wasn’t doing such a great job, he said firmly, “You need to park your anger.”
And so I did. I knew he was right; it was only fair. It wasn’t an easy shift. But as I practiced containing my anger and moving into true curiosity — not performative curiosity, but the real thing — something surprising happened. It was as if a big space opened around me. A new world of possibility. I will never forget that day. It helped me mature. It helped me calm down. And it changed the way I listen.
Once I experienced that shift into true curiosity, I began to notice the many different ways we show up in conversations — not just whether we’re listening, but how.
We might move through several listening postures in a single conversation. Some protect us. Some connect us. Some open the door to possibility. Naming them helps us recognize where we are — and where we might want to go.
🛡️ When we’re protecting ourselves
Some examples include: Listening to negate, listening to win, listening to defend, and listening to judge.
🔍 When we’re listening through our own lens
These include: Listening to respond, listening to fix, listening to analyze, listening to interpret, and listening with an agenda.
🤝 When we’re listening for the relationship
We might: Listen to understand, listen to empathize, listen to validate, listen to witness, try to listen between the lines, and even listen/attend to the body language.
🌿 When we’re listening with openness
We are: Listening to learn, listening to collaborate, listening to imagine, listening with curiosity, listening with reverence, and listening to track the system.
And if all of this feels too complicated, keep it simple.
You might try my favourite listening style:
Listen like a rock with ears
What do I mean when I say ‘listen like a rock with ears’?
To show up solid, steady, and present — listening with no agenda.
Gentle reflection
You might notice you have a listening “home base,” a posture you return to without thinking. You can ask yourself what feels most natural when you listen, which modes show up in your body, what kind of listening helps you feel at ease, and where you soften. You can also wonder what you most long for from others — to be heard, understood, validated, or met with curiosity — and gently practice offering that outward as a way of aligning with the connection you want.
A brief grounding before a conversation
Before you listen to someone, take one slow breath and notice your first impulse — whether you’re opening, bracing, or preparing. If you feel protective, acknowledge it and steady yourself with a hand on your chest or belly. If you feel safe enough, choose a simple intention like wanting to hear them or stay curious, and let your body arrive just enough to meet the moment with clarity.
What might you try?
None of these listening styles need be fixed traits. They can be places we visit. The invitation is to notice where you are, and to soften when you can. Sometimes the smallest shift — a breath, a loosening in the jaw, a quiet return to curiosity — is enough to change the entire conversation. True curiosity has a way of cultivating connection. And I think we all want more of that. I know I do…
Excellent piece on such an important subject. Thank you.