by Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
One of the most surprising and beautiful truths I’ve learned—both through Imago philosophy and through my own relationships—is that opposites don’t just attract. They grow each other.
We’re drawn to partners who carry qualities we underdeveloped in childhood. Not because we want conflict, but because some part of us knows that their difference will stretch us into a fuller version of ourselves.
Over time, if we stay curious instead of defensive, we reap the benefits. But that early stretch can feel uncomfortable, even threatening, because our partner’s way of being challenges our familiar patterns.
Where Friction Comes From
Most couples begin by arguing about their differences. We find fault in the very traits that attracted us. We feel frustrated, even judged, by the partner who does things “the opposite way.”
Classic examples:
- Saver vs. Spender One saves for the future and feels anxious when the credit card bill rises. One spends to enjoy life now and feels controlled by limits. Both positions contain wisdom. When they soften toward each other, the saver learns to enjoy the present, and the spender learns the pride of sticking to a budget.
- Strict Parent vs. Permissive Parent One values structure and consistency. One values freedom and creativity. When they stop seeing each other as “wrong,” they discover that children thrive with both: safety and spaciousness.
What Harville Hendrix Teaches About This
Imago Therapy adds a deeper layer to this dynamic. Harville Hendrix teaches that relationship is not designed for us to selfishly get all our needs met. Getting needs met matters, of course — but if a partner met every need, we would eventually be bored and leave. There would be no tension, and therefore no growth.
Imago theory says:
- We are unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble our early caregivers — including their difficult traits.
- Those traits create tension.
- The tension activates the underdeveloped parts of us.
- That activation motivates growth.
- And that growth is exactly what our unconscious — or soul — is seeking.
This is why in Imago we say:
Conflict is growth trying to happen.
The very qualities that frustrate us most in our partner are often the qualities that mirror our childhood wounds. They are the curriculum. They are the invitation.
Opposites don’t just attract — they activate. And activation is the beginning of transformation.
How My Partners Have Grown Me
Growing Through Responsibility
Some of the clearest places I’ve grown through relationship are around money and responsibility — and the emotional history underneath it.
I grew up in a home where bills were paid at the last possible moment because we didn’t have the money to pay ahead of time. That pattern stayed with me into adulthood. I would wait until the end of the month, just like my mother did. It wasn’t irresponsibility — it was familiar. It was how we survived.
Then I witnessed a partner who paid bills immediately. No drama, no dread, no waiting for the “right moment.” He simply handled things as they came. It was such a different energy — steady, proactive, unburdened.
Over time, I absorbed that. Now I often pay a bill the day it arrives. I don’t need to put it off anymore, so why not clear it from my mind. It’s better for my credit rating, and it’s better for my nervous system.
I also learned to pay attention to late fees that are unfounded. Last month Bell Canada billed me for June and July on the same day and charged me interest. So I called and had that fee reversed. Taking the time to call and ask for the fee to be refunded is a smart thing — something I may not have done in the past.
Learning the Art of Repair
Another place I’ve grown is in letting go of upsets faster. I used to hold onto things longer. I could stay in the emotional “freeze” of an argument for hours.
That same partner who paid his bills right away could also reset quickly, and he taught me something invaluable: the moment of repair matters more than the moment of rupture.
Sometimes that looked like offering — or accepting — a simple goodnight kiss after an argument. A small gesture that says, “We’re still us.” Arguments happen. They’re part of being human. So why keep the wall up?
Discovering I Actually Like the New Behaviours
Here’s something I’ve noticed over time: when I finally step into a new behaviour — paying bills right away, softening after an argument — I often discover that I actually like it. It feels good. It feels easier. It feels more aligned with the person I’m becoming.
And this isn’t limited to finances or repair.
Being more boundaried can feel good. Being more present can feel good. Being more patient can feel good. Being healthier with food or exercise can feel good.
There is no limit to the behaviours that end up benefiting us once we try them.
Becoming More Intentional With My Words
I’ve also stretched in how I speak. One partner asked that I refrain from any playful name‑calling — words like “wimp” or “turkey.” Another partner asked that I stop saying “oh my God.”
Both requests took a moment of acceptance. They weren’t things I needed to change, but they mattered to the person I cared about. And when I tried them, I realized something important:
It didn’t harm me. It helped them feel better. And I became more boundaried and more intentional about how my words might influence others.
The Quiet Expansion
These small shifts — in finances, in repair, in boundaries, in language — all expanded me. They made me more conscious, more present, and more aware of the impact I have.
And again, I noticed that I actually liked the new behaviours. They felt good. They felt clean. They felt like growth.
A Few Gentle Questions for Reflection
When we understand that conflict is growth trying to happen, we can begin to ask ourselves honest, compassionate questions:
- Is there something your partner has been inviting you to stretch into — even a little.
- Where do you notice yourself resisting that stretch.
- If you sit quietly with that resistance, is there a tender fear underneath it.
- What part of you might be trying to stay safe in an old way.
- And what might become possible if you grew just one inch in the direction your partner is inviting.
These questions aren’t meant to shame us. They’re meant to illuminate the exact place where growth is trying to happen.
A Closing Invitation
Opposites don’t pull us apart — they round us out. They help us grow into capacities we didn’t get to develop earlier in life. They soften rigid places and strengthen tender ones. They make us more whole.
So as you think about your own relationship, here’s a gentle invitation:
What is one small way you could lean toward your partner’s way of being — not to abandon yourself, but to expand yourself.
Sometimes that tiny shift becomes the doorway to a more balanced, more connected version of you.
