By Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
Healing begins with kindness. This space offers food for thought — and food is love.
The Greeting Card vs. Real Life
As the holidays approach, I notice how we hold two pictures at once: the glossy greeting card version of family togetherness, and the real-life version with all its quirks, patterns, and imperfections. Both are true. Both deserve our attention.
You Spot It, You Got It
I noticed how easy it is to see the limitations of others, and how much harder it is to see them in ourselves. The old saying “You spot it, you got it” reminds us that what bothers us in others often lives somewhere inside us too.
For example, If I dislike someone’s bossiness, I can notice my own bossy streak when I’m orchestrating a holiday meal, wanting everything to be just right. That tendency comes from how much I care about serving up wonderful food for everyone. When I embrace limitation or imperfection in myself, I can imagine that others also have valid reasons for how they show up.
Honoring Limits
From noticing patterns in others, I turn to noticing my own limits. Gatherings feel better when we respect our thresholds. If long hours drain us, we can shorten the time. If generosity has a limit, we can honor it. Success is not measured by endurance, but by caring for others and ourselves by leaving with our spirit intact.
Sitting on the Shore
From limits, I turn to perspective. I noticed how tangled we can get in family dynamics, like weeds in a lake. Stepping back—imagining ourselves on the shore—brings clarity. From being more of an observer, debates and disagreements feel less consuming.
Options open up: listening, validating, changing the subject, starting a game, or simply walking away to help with food prep. Presence and creativity can pull us out of the weeds.
Patterns, Peace, and Accepting Help
I noticed that holiday gatherings often reveal familiar patterns. Some loved ones thrive on gossip or habitual complaining, and it can be tempting to try to please them into silence. But their patterns belong to them. Protecting your own peace means stepping back, rather than people pleasing and fearing you’ll become their next subject.
At the same time, I noticed how easy it is to sabotage ourselves without realizing it. For instance, someone might turn away offers of help in the kitchen, only to later complain that no one helped. In both cases, the lesson is the same: don’t get caught in cycles that drain you.
Instead, plan how you can accept support when it’s offered. Step back from dynamics that aren’t yours to fix. These small choices keep the gathering lighter, and protect your energy.
The Family Quilt
I noticed that family is like a quilt. Each square is unique — some bright, some muted, some patterned, some plain. Together they form a whole. The quilt is not perfect, but it is beautiful in its variety. When we see our gatherings this way, we can appreciate each person’s square without expecting uniformity.
Planning Ahead & Choosing Gently
I noticed that planning ahead makes space for peace. Choose one or two ideas that truly speak to you, rather than trying to do everything. Be realistic instead of perfectionistic. And above all, come from love as much as possible. Holidays are not about perfection or endurance but an invitation to presence.
Holiday SOS Quick Tips
For those who like a simple checklist, here are the essentials:
- Notice the mirror: What bothers you in others may live in you too.
- Honor your limits: Keep gatherings within the time and energy you can sustain.
- Step back: Observe instead of getting tangled; shift perspective when needed.
- Be realistic: Aim for presence, not perfection.
- Protect your peace: Step back from gossip or complaints, and plan how to accept help when it’s offered.
- Lead with love: Forgive, laugh, and remember everyone plays their part in the quilt.
- Plan ahead: Choose one or two ideas that resonate, and be gentle with yourself.
✨ Takeaway: Don’t plan for the perfect gathering. Plan for a real one. Choose one or two ideas that speak to you, be gentle with yourself, and come from love as much as possible. With perspective, limits, and kindness, this holiday may feel lighter than you expect.