By Stacy Bremner MA, RP
Agreement feels really good. Do you agree? Haha.
🌱 Agreement Feels Good—But Understanding Goes Deeper
What I noticed the other day is that a theme kept popping up around understanding. First, I read a story in Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey that really stood out. Then, that same week, I attended a professional conference for Imago Relationship Therapy, where our wise leader Dr. Harville Hendrix echoed the very same idea. I wanted to jump up and grab the community microphone to share the synchronicity—but I contained myself. So I’ll share it here, with a few personal reflections.
Why? Because if you know me, you know I care deeply about relationship growth—both my clients’ and my own.
🤝 Relational Competence and Differentiation: Holding Differences Without Disconnection
Hendrix spoke about Relational Competence, which for Imago Therapy, includes Dialogue, Empathy, Zero Negativity, and Affirmations. As Imago therapists, we help couples learn and integrate these practices—mirroring, validating, empathizing, and affirming—as tools for deeper connection. But these skills aren’t just for romantic partnerships. They benefit all relationships: friendships, parenting, families, co-workers, neighbors. Wherever two people seek to feel safe, seen, and understood, these tools can help. They create space for curiosity, reduce reactivity, and foster mutual respect—even when agreement isn’t possible.
If you think about it, we typically, listen in order to respond, to share our thoughts, or to disagree. But when we listen to understand, something shifts. The other person feels seen, heard, and valued. And then we feel safer in our differences. This is what Harville and other Psychologists call Differentiation—the ability to hold opposing views without disconnection or defensiveness. In fact, those differences might even become valuable if we are open to the ideas of others.
From a neuroscience perspective, researchers like Dan Siegel show us that when we lean into curiosity, we activate the neocortex—the part of the brain associated with higher reasoning and emotional regulation. This shift releases calming neurochemicals and reduces stress. In contrast, when one person dominates a conversation with a monologue, both speaker and listener may experience elevated cortisol levels. In other words, stress. So a balanced back-and-forth isn’t just polite—it’s healthy.
🚫 Negativity as an Addiction—and How to Rewire
And what about criticism? Hendrix reminds us that “Negativity is an addiction.” The brain likes familiar pathways, even if they’re harmful. That’s why practices like mirroring, validating, offering empathy, and giving affirmations and appreciations are so powerful. They help us rewire those pathways toward connection. We learn to be present, pause, and really listen to the world of the other. It becomes a bit of a meditation.
“Talking is the most dangerous thing, and listening is the most infrequent.” Harville Hendrix
🌍 McConaughey’s Mali Lesson: “Do You Understand?
The idea that understanding matters more than agreement isn’t new. In Greenlights, McConaughey recounts a story from Mali, Africa, where he listened to two elder men debate whether a young Muslim woman should be a “lady of the night”. The debate centered on free will versus morals. When McConaughey chimed in to say he agreed with one of them, the man he agreed with replied, “It’s not about right and wrong. It’s about—Do you understand?!”
These men weren’t trying to sway each other. They were sharing views. And McConaughey was taken aback—but he did understand. (See pages 197-198 if you’re curious.) Free will and morals both make sense, and ultimately the debate was not going to be shared with the woman, it was solely for the men who were sharing ideas.
🔑 Listening to Understand as a Relational Practice
So, as Hendrix suggests, could listening to understand—rather than listening to respond—be the next great relational skill we cultivate? I sure hope so. Why? Because it helps us feel safe and connected.
What might that sound like? “Tell me more…I want to understand.”
If this resonates with you, you might enjoy my blog on Curiosity—where I offer gentle ways to stretch into curiosity through everyday topics, along with tools and resources to support the shift.
