By Stacy Bremner, MA, RP
Have you ever struggled in your marriage or intimate partnership and wondered why?
Have you ever held expectations that weren’t fulfilled—and felt confused or disappointed?
If so, you’re not alone. In our culture, we enter romantic relationships with high hopes: dreams of deep love, emotional safety, and mutual need fulfillment. But when those dreams falter, we often assume we’ve chosen the wrong person. We think, “There must be someone better out there.”
It’s no surprise, then, that nearly 50% of first marriages end in divorce—and the rates for second and third marriages are even higher. Why does this happen?
We’re taught that compatibility is the foundation of a successful marriage. So when unhappiness sets in, we blame incompatibility. But if we were so happy in the beginning, what changed? Why can’t that happiness last?
The truth is, love and marriage are not what we’ve been led to believe. Nature has a plan—one we’re rarely taught—and we often set ourselves up for disappointment by mistaking the initial romance for real love.
So If Real Love Isn’t Romance… What Is It?
Real love is actually the third stage of relationship.
We can only reach Stage Three once we learn how to navigate the Power Struggle without breaking apart.
Let’s take a closer look at the stages of relationship.
Stage One: Romance
Nature pairs us up with a surge of attraction, infatuation, and bonding. Our brains flood with feel-good chemicals—what I like to call “Love Drugs” or “Love Potion Number 9”—as we anticipate that we’ve finally met someone who will care for us better than anyone ever has. We feel high on our own chemistry, drawn together by similarities, and swept up in the bliss of connection.
It’s no wonder we commit during this stage. It feels magical. We hold so much hope.
Stage Two: The Power Struggle
But once a commitment is made, the love drugs begin to wear off. We stop trying so hard. We expect our partner to meet our needs effortlessly. And then… the differences emerge.
We may feel shocked, disappointed, or even betrayed. Arguments arise—often around household chores, finances, parenting, and sex. We dig in, defend our positions, and reject our partner’s perspective.
Here’s the paradox: while we long for someone just like us (because sameness feels easy), we actually need the differences. These tensions are not flaws—they’re growth opportunities. Nature designed couplehood not to bring us peace and happiness, but to push us toward wholeness.
If we married someone exactly like us, we’d be bored and unchallenged. We’d leave.
Stage Three: Real Love
When we understand Nature’s agenda, we can soften. We become less stubborn, more curious. If my partner says, “I want you to be on time,” or “I’d like more affection,” I listen. I stretch. I grow.
These efforts help us become more complete as individuals—and more connected as partners. We feel good knowing we’re meeting a need for someone we love. And when both partners commit to growth and compromise, something beautiful happens: we enter the third stage of relationship.
This is Real Love.
Not the high of infatuation.
Not the battle of differences.
But the deep, enduring connection that comes from growing together.
If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to move beyond the Power Struggle toward deeper connection, Imago Relationship Therapy offers a powerful path. Real love—grounded in empathy, growth, and mutual understanding—is possible. Let’s begin the journey. Contact me if you’re ready to start.